| Time for decisions |
[Oct. 22nd, 2009|04:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
Every time I make up my mind... something happens that makes it impossible for me to follow through with my plans.
If I don't make up my mind, people get impatient with me. They want answers.
What is the point?
If nothing goes the way it's planned, then why bother planning?
Why did I spend over $300 on this thing? Now I'm think of not even going... Why? Because my plans are falling apart. I thought I could handle it. I thought that I had enough friends and enough people who wanted me to do it that I could handle it. but I'm beginning to see that I was wrong.
Now I may not have a place to stay when I get there.
I don't have the money to find a place.
I already paid for my plane ticket.
If I cancel, I may still have to pay the money... I doubt they'll reimburse me. I dunno. I've never booked a plane ticket before in my life. And I've never flown alone. Now I have to do both... for what? So I can get somewhere I don't know and stay with people I don't know and spend the whole weekend doing things that are unfamiliar to me all by myself? It's just turning into a mess... and I have this dreadful feeling that it's all going to come crashing down. That next weekend is going to be horrible instead of the wonderful adventure it was originally "planned" to be.
*sigh* I guess time will tell. If you never hear from me again, it's because I'm stranded in San Francisco all alone with no where to stay and no money for a ride home. . . . . . . |
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| Shine |
[Sep. 25th, 2009|02:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
Lies
There are lies everywhere
The longer the lie floats the bigger it becomes
Lies upon lies
Until everything is untrue
The light of truth stands alone
In a cold and dark corner
It begs for attention
But the lies overwhelm us
And we seldom can find the truth
But if we look close enough
They are there
No matter how faint
No matter how lost
No matter how much the lies are beating at us
They do afterall
They do not want us to find the truth
And so many people feed the lies
In hopes that they will go away
But they never do
Until they are turned into truths
Then
Just for a moment
They glitter and shine with a bright light
Slowly fading back into the small light of truth
As they are overwhelmed by the new lies
And yet...
People continue with these lies
Some because they think it will help someone
Some because they think it will hurt someone
Some because they do not know the truth
And still some do it simply because they know they can
Some people hide behind their lies
In the hopes that if there is enough darkness
No one will see the light of the truth
The truth of their souls
Of whatever is inside of their mind or heart
It is when we can learn to shine
That we can truly be with each other
To be honest
To be pure
To be bright
As long as the darkness of lies weigh down on our souls
We can never be free
So learn to feel the weightlessness of light
Learn to be honest
Learn to shine like a bright light
Against the sea of darkness and lies
Be bright
Be honest
Be yourself
And shine. |
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| Dreams... |
[May. 4th, 2009|10:13 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
Aparantly TYO hasn't forgotten about me... and I haven't forgotten about him either. But what can I do about it? We never talk on the phone... I mean that we /can't/ talk on the phone. There's always just silence. When we're together it's amazing... but we can only see each other once a week if we're lucky! And that's just too hard on him I think. And we can't talk on the phone so... what else is there to do? We can't live together... it's just not an option... not now anyway. If we did, it would probably be okay. But I dunno. Is it worth it to hold onto? Should I pull away completely? Or should I give in and keep trying? Or should I try to remain friends? I'm so confused... I really don't know what to do.
And now that other boy is back in my life. Everyone keeps telling me how great they always thought he and I were together. He was my first love. And it took me 3 years to get over him even though we only dated for 3 or 4 months!! Doesn't that sound crazy? I dunno. I'm just kind of confused over him. I feel like I should find out if there's still something there, but then at the same time we have such a great friendship right now I don't want to ruin it by bringing up old ties. And then what about TYO? I just don't know. I honestly don't know how I feel about any of it. I still feel numb a lot... like I'm not really living this life. Like I'm just going through the motions. I know there are people that I love deeply, but I just don't feel it... Like, I know I'd be sad if they died or left me but... I don't know if I would cry for them. I hate feeling this way. I miss having emotions that I could lose control of. It's scary to have those kind of emotions, but they are what makes living worth it, aren't they? I bottled them all away... I pushed them all away! I made myself as numb to my surroundings as possible. And now it's gone too far. I need someone who can reawaken them in me. But who? And why would anyone want to try that hard? TYO tried really hard... but he couldn't break through and gave up. So what now? Do I keep trying to feel? Or do I give up and live this caged life? I made this journal to help me bottle away my emotions. To give me a place to express them. Because I couldn't handle them myself. I put myself behind this glass wall... I'm the one who made this bottle. And I worked so hard to make it "unbreakable"... but maybe it's time I let myself break? But then... why does that scare me even more? Is it really so wrong to never feel again? Maybe that's what I should do....
I took a test and it said I was Romeo & Juliet (it was a "which book character are you?" quiz). I was very surprised. I agreed with all of it except for the love part... and I think it's just because I feel like my emotions have been caged up for so long. Why do I always pull away from people? Why can't I just let someone new get close to me? It's easier with some people... but then with boys... it's not. And I'm not sure why.
In my dream last night, TYO was there. And the dream lasted a few hours. And it was just he and I hanging out like we used to. And having fun. And just being ourselves. It was always such an amazing feeling to be with him... I almost felt like I was living again... but then I pulled away because he got really demanding... he was upset that I never called.... but I couldn't. Not when I knew nothing would happen on the phone. I just couldn't. I suck at talking on the phone... He also complained that I never opened up to him or talked to him... but I talked to him more than a lot of people... I guess I just got shy sometimes but I dunno.
GAH! I just don't know!!! I'm so fucking sick of not knowing!! When I think of him, my eyes water and I miss him with every part of my body and soul! But is that love? Or am I just desperate to feel it? If we were truly meant to be, shouldn't we be able to talk on the phone? Or am I just crazy and incapable of love now?
I keep hiding it from my friends. The way I feel. They see that I get upset over certain things... but I don't tell them why. I make excuses and most of the time, they believe them and let them go. But anytime I'm sad... or upset... or distant... or anything... it's because I'm thinking of HIM. The Young One. My baby.... But he's not mine anymore. Even though I think that he could be if I would just go to him and try. But is that really what's best?
He's better off without me.
He'll find someone who he can talk to on the phone.
He'll find someone who he can see every day.
Someone who will love him so utterly unconditionally.
Someone who will hold him just right.
Someone who will be there for him.
He has to find her... because he needs her... and he deserves her...
And I want him to so badly. I want him to find her almost as much and sometimes more than I want my best friend to find someone.
It would break my heart if he never had that someone... it would seriously break my heart. I'd give up my future to give him that someone... I honestly would. If someone came to me right now and said that if I gave up my life... they would give him his perfect soulmate... I'd do it.
Why would I do it? And why is this making me cry? I'd do the same thing for my best friend and for both of my sisters too.... but why for him? Why?
What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be normal for a day? I mean... I don't want to be "normal" but... I want to feel strongly again... I want to be in the moment. The moments that we shared together... the moments that I remember in my dreams... I want them all to be real... and I want to be there always...
But does that mean it's love? Or am I just so desperate for something and someone that I'm putting too much into this? He deserves better than that. And I think that... until I know if I can truly be his everything... that I should leave him alone. I want him to find her... and the more I stick around questioning myself... the longer he belongs to me. And I don't want him to belong to me... I want him to belong to his perfect love...
And I don't know if I can bear any of that... |
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| Serenity |
[Apr. 23rd, 2009|12:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
It's been over a year since I posted here. Strange. It feels like no time at all.
And yet, things have settled into a sort of serene quiet.
I've broken up with The Young One multiple times since we last spoke. He turned 20 a week ago.... I didn't celebrate it with him. He asked me to be his Valentine... in his own way... but I want him to chase me, is that a crime? In movies boys do it all the time...
Perhaps I'm too corrupted by movies. I tell every boy I get involved with that they will need to chase me at a point when I get scared. They all say they're in it and will do it... and they do... At least, The Young One did. He chase me for 3 months.... when I gave in it was the sweetest thing in the entire world... I felt like I was literally tasting happiness for the first time... understanding... he saw right through me... just like Jesse. How is it that sometimes people can find me so confusing and frustrating... but then there's those who can see right through me... they understand everything. Or at least it seems that way. In the end, they leave me, frustrated that they can't have more from me. But what can I give them? I am only human. I cannot make these feelings blossom... only they can do that. I have a heart, I know I do. But somehow people have a hard time figuring out what it takes to make it bloom... to make it soar. And even when they do... for some reason they don't want to do it again. TYO (The Young One) did it a couple times I suppose. He forgave me for being me. And it was wonderful to share that with someone. But I never felt like we were the same person. I never felt like that. And I want to feel like that. I have other friends who I feel like that with sometimes... when we're together and having fun. I feel like we're in the same place... truly doing the same thing... breathing together... you know? I never felt like he was with me. He always seemed like he was somewhere else... and I can't explain it any better than that.
I want to be with someone who... when I'm with them... I know that they're with me too. And I feel like we're together. I don't think I'm wrong to want this. And it's not that I don't love him... because I do... It's just too hard to be in a relationship with him... because I feel like it's so one-sided sometimes. I know he loves me... but I think it's not me that he truly loves. He loves what he knows I can become... he loves what he sees... he can't understand or help his feelings any better than I can. And yet... somehow when we're together, he's not with me.
That's not always true I suppose. When we went for the walk in the park and talked about things.... I think we were one then... but even then, I felt like I was seeing him for the first time. He's so closed off... It's difficult. I'm closed off, but he's closed off in a different way. He's hurting inside, but he won't let anyone see it.
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not. But I guess it's all I can do.... to keep in touch with him, but not date him. I guess...
Everything is so complicated in my life right now... I have 3 roommates and 5 cats. Lol... It's crazy. But at the same time, my life has slipped into a serene sort of peace and silence and calm. And I kind of like it. The people who created drama in my life are gone. And even though I miss them like crazy sometimes... I don't feel like my brain is going to explode from the craziness anymore. I guess it's a good time for me to start dating again. I just don't know where to start. I just don't know.
Anyway, I'll probably be on again soon... I reset my password, so all I have to do now is remember the new one and I can come on more.
Thanks for reading this through guys. It means a lot to me. |
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| Sometimes I feel like screaming... |
[Dec. 28th, 2007|07:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
Should I break up with him?
I want to...
All he ever does is make me angry because nothing I ever do is good enough for him. He can't take a hint and I'm only happy when I'm with him...... and that is becoming increasingly annoying as well since.... well... he's 18. It seems all he ever thinks about is himself and how miserable and alone or whatever he is.
Our anniversaries... I'm sick and tired of watching as each one slips by unnoticed. Not ONCE has he mentioned them.. no matter how many times I bring them up. Not a text... nothing. My longest relationship was 3 months... I told him that each and every month was a milestone to me... but he doesn't give a damn. All he cares about is how lonely he is. That's the ONLY thing he cares about.
Love. Peh. He says he loves me... what a bunch of crap.
Life is so important... and some things are really important to me. Like my party. Every year there's a party that my parents through... it's one of the most important things in the whole year to me... and yet somehow I've been alone every year at that party for the last 7 years.
I told him to take the bus.
He refuses.
I don't know why...
It would be 2 hours on the bus in exchange for seeing me all night and morning. I'd do it. Most people who "love" someone would. But not him. He still insists that he doesn't want and can't afford a car.
How can I continue to date him? It's impossible. He's just so far away from me.... in years, experience, time, and miles. It kills me inside because I've come to really care about him... and I think if he were 24 he might be perfect... well, closer to perfect anyway. No one's perfect. But maybe good for me. Right now he's not good for me though. There's not even a point.
Ugh. I can't talk to him. He wants to talk, but I just can't. How do I make him understand? I can't.... I know I can't... so maybe it's better to just call it off. Rather than feeling the pain of being so far away. And rather than having to deal with his uncaring attitude toward everything but sex.
I'm so done... and yet everything in my head and begging me not to walk away.
Or maybe that's my heart talking................................. |
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| Past, Present, Future |
[Dec. 27th, 2007|12:58 pm] |
We have to live life today... because we never know if there will be a tomorrow... or who will be there to share it with us......
LOVE
those around you
LIVE
with them in harmony
LAUGH
and share a smile
MOST IMPORTANTLY - LIVE EVERY MOMENT OF YOU LIFE TO THE FULLEST!
Cherish every second.
It may all be over soon... but who's to say when and where? And who says how and what will happen? No one knows for certain. All we can do is LIVE. |
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| Darkness and happiness... so close. |
[Dec. 22nd, 2007|09:26 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
I've come to realize as I age that my perception on the world is definitely screwy. Why can't I let people see me for who I am? And why do the only people who know me reject me? I feel locked away in some cold month that no one can reach because I know that no one could love me if I were to give in to the darkness. But it is because of this darkness that I can bring so much light into the world. So why is it that no one can accept it? Why is it that people don't see that this is me? That this is how I feel? That this is a very important part of who I am? That this.... that this is me.
I suppose I will forever basque in the light of day while craving the quiet of the night.... and while it seems a wonderful life for most, for me it feels claustraphobic.
I don't want to be with him. I want to live my life my way but... I can't bring myself to disappoint. I only live once... and it's slowly killing me to never feel like myself. Like I have to hide this from the people around me. Because they see me as their beacon of light and hope. And I cannot disappoint them. But... then I already have. I've failed miserably at my task of being the bearer of smiles. Perhaps I should shun this side of myself into oblivion so as to make it disappear. If I do not nurture it, it will wither and die. And then perhaps I can be the person I long to be. But... am I being honest then? Or am I simply numbing myself to the pain I feel all around me?
I don't have it any harder than anyone around me. In fact, I have the simplist life of everyone I know. And yet... I cannot be happy because there are those that would love to see me break. Those who do not understand what it means to be me. Who do not understand the patience and efforts it takes to be strong. To be independent. To suffer alone while your heart yearns only to help the entire world. I think it hurts most that I cannot help those around me. More than helping myself, and more than focusing on the darkness that I've discovered in my heart... it hurts that I cannot save others from the darkness. If I had one wish it would be that I would feel all the darkness that is in other people's hearts... and that they would feel only light. Then I would be happy. Even with all that pain and suffering.... I would be happy.
Does that make me selfish or unselfish? I don't even know anymore.
And yet, I just keep on typing. Pointless words that will die before the century is over. All to go into nothingness as nothing I do makes a difference to myself or anyone around me. And most of it goes completely unnoticed....
It's my own fault though. I try to help people as much as I can... and in that I often make them feel like they helped themselves because I know that that will make them happier than feeling like I was the one who saved them... to know that they did it on their own. But it's beginning to leave a sour feeling in my mouth as no one seems to understand or appreciate the struggles I go through everyday. ... but how can they? I refuse to ever talk about myself because I lose interest when talking about myself. For some reason the other person always seems more interesting to me than whatever pain I'm feeling or whatever thoughts I'm thinking. So... it's my own fault for not sharing. But that's why I started this journal in the first place. To tell people how I feel. To show the darkness inside of me so that people will see and maybe finally understand me.
But it's all completely pointless. No one understands what I write. No one. And hardly anyone cares. Everyone who knows thinks that I am "suddenly depressed" and doesn't realize that it's just a part of who I am. They take everything I say the wrong way.
Like my statement for example on people's attire. It is not to say that everyone is poorly dressed. Simply that the majority of people sitting at home vegging out on their computers aren't in their best attire. Yet they feel the need to sit there and criticize me for being depressing, or for being emo, or for being whatever else they think, and whatever else they can find wrong with me. And yet, they are sitting there in their crappy clothes, looking at me and criticizing me... someone they've probably never met and probably never will.
It's just annoying. But no one takes what I say the right way. They assume because I never talk badly about anyone that if I say something negative about them, that it must be how I "truly" feel about them. But it's not. It's how I feel at the moment... or it's how I always feel, but it's such a small part of how I feel that it never comes out.
I'm a selfish, stuck-up, shallow, and down-right cocky person. I would never be friends with someone I didn't like. Even if I love you, if you piss me off, or if I really don't like you, you will be gone. Even with some of my lower-self-esteem issues that I (do) have, I am not staying with you because of them. Not because I couldn't do better. I know that I can always do better. But I choose not to because I really like you. My job is the same way. I could do much better, but I love it there. And even though I may get more benefits somewhere else or whatever... I'm treated right there. And I love them, and I love the work. So there's no reason to leave. I'm not staying because I don't think I could do better... I'm staying because I KNOW I couldn't do better or be happier than I am right there. That's how I am with everything. If I am not 100% happy or if any part of me wishes I was somewhere else, I will simply go there or do whatever it is that I want to do. I'm very selfish that way.
But on the flip-side... nothing makes me happier than making others happy. So, if there is something that someone else wants to do that I don't particularly want to do, and I'd rather do something else... if it makes them happy, then I usually feel I would be happier making them happy than doing the other thing that I wanted to do. So I choose making them happy for selfish reasons of feeling happier because I made someone happy.
If you don't understand a word I've written here I am sorry. Sometimes my words come out in awkward sequences. But in the end they are all honest and truthful. No lies will ever be spilled here. So you can trust me completely and totally. |
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| Crumbling... |
[Dec. 21st, 2007|04:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
The world is slowly crumbling to a dismal end, isn't it?
Fuck this shit.
My best friend started talking about death the other day and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it for two weeks straight now. It consumes my every thought... seriously. It's all I can think about anymore... and it's really fucking depressing me.
What happens when we die? Do we stop existing? And wtf? Will this really end? Will I stop thinking? The world will continue without me? It makes no sense at all. It's creepy and weird... and it's just so very, very wrong.
I don't know why I never thought about it really before. I don't know why...
Maybe it was to keep what little sanity I have left alive.
But whatever the case, I've decided to never have children. Which is a very big deal to me. Perhaps I will adopt a child, but I will NEVER have a child of my own. I've never been the type of girl who really wanted one. I thought it'd be fun. But honestly, unlike a lot of girls, I never want to carry one in my womb. Never. I don't want to give birth. I don't want any of the benefits that come with being a "woman". I seriously don't. So now that I think about it... what's the point in bringing another life into this world? So they can someday wonder what's the point in it all? And so that someday they will disappear and no one will remember their name? I don't want to do that to someone.
So really... what is the point of it all? Why do we keep reproducing? And is there really a God?
Perhaps we will be reincarnated. That is my only helpful thought. I cling to the belief that I might be reincarnated and continue to exist even if as a separate human being.
But I won't.... will I....
It's all fucked up. Every word I write here might remain for the rest of the time that this world exists. Someone might find things that I have done... but I won't be alive anymore. And it's really creepy to think that things I do can and will be remembered and maybe even found years and years maybe centuries to come.
So why keep living? To prolong death? Is it worth it in the end?
And why can't I bring myself to talk to anyone about this? And... why does it make me cry?
I wish I didn't have to deal with this. I wish we could all just live forever. Then I wouldn't have to worry about this or think about it at all.
Ugh... I'm starting to repeat myself so I'll go now. But honestly, I just don't see the point anymore. I'm so lost. |
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| Crying? |
[Oct. 24th, 2007|08:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed by life | ] |
Why is it that when everyone around me is so happy... and those who aren't are just confused... why is it that I want to just cry my eyes out? I'm so very happy, but I want to cry for myself... Why can't I be happy too? Why? Why is life so hard? Why can't ...... nevermind, I can't say it. Not even here.
These cards suck. God, can I draw again? |
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| The darkness..... God help me........... show me guidance..... |
[Oct. 24th, 2007|08:12 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cynical | ] |
As all of my worst fears become a cruel reality, I am completely consumed by the darkness.
How much longer can I be strong? How much longer can I pretend? When will it become too much for me? When will I finally break? Am I really unbreakable? Have I become that unfeeling?
I hope it is true... I hope that I can live up to my name. Never shattered. Never opened. I will never let them in. No one. So it's my own fault. But still. The darkness creeps up on me.... And I am running out of places to hide. How much longer can I hold it all in?
Everything will be fine. Not for me, but that's alright. At least I have to keep telling myself that. Because if I don't, I may lose my nerve to be so utterly strong in the face of these dark and terrible times.
On the outside I will remain untouchable. Like I have before. And I will let no one near the glass. That should keep it from shattering. The problem with glass is... as soon as it shatters, it shatters into a million tiny pieces, and I fear that I cannot handle being exposed.... I fear it will kill me. And I really think it would.
So, how much longer do I have to keep this up? Will it ever end? Can I ever stop pretending? Or is this the way it's destined to be until that fateful day when I die? God... a part of me thinks it cannot come soon enough, while another part of me dreads it and refuses to face it. But... I cannot tell anyone. Perhaps I should sever all of my ties and move randomly to Alaska all by myself. And never contact anyone again. Then... when I finally break... no one will be there to see it.....
What am I supposed to do? When will I ever feel loved? Can anyone really make me feel it? I'm realizing that I never have, and wondering if I ever will. He doesn't do it.... He just doesn't. And it makes me miserable because I like him a lot. But he insists that he is just some guy. He doesn't treat me the way I long to be treated... he acts half the time like he doesn't care at all. And it kills me a little inside everytime I see him. I should call it off. I should be honest. But.... will that honesty kill me?
"What will happen when I open the closed lid? What will be lost? What will be gained?"
Ugh... I just wish I knew that there was light for me.... but unfortunately, I have to live with the dark truth............ the truth that no one else knows but me. |
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| Is sanity real or just an illusion? |
[Oct. 22nd, 2007|12:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | @_@!! | ] |
Am I really here? Is the world really still spinning? Why is everything so crazy? Why can't I think? For the first time in my life I'm angry for more than an hour. For the first time in my life I honestly don't know when it will end. And for the first time in my life I actually want to be...... alone. Weird huh? But it's true. I want to be all alone for like a week. Just me. Just relaxing. None of this crazy bullshit. None of these psychotic people that I share a genesis with. Humans are insane. My life has become insane.
I honestly have no clue who I am right now.
I don't even know what I want.
I feel like I'm stuck in a twisted spiral and I can't get free.
And for some reason, everyone is spiraling with me!
The world is on fire, or at least mine is, and there's so much wind that nothing is safe. Is this the end?
When did things change so much? When did life become so complicated? When did human beings become so fucked up? When did it become okay for a father to RUIN his daughters wedding? What the hell is wrong with all of us? Why can't we just live in sanity and peace?
Everything's been so crazy and hectic that I can't eat or sleep properly. My whole body hurts and I feel like I'm spinning when I stand or sit still. I can't even finish a thought without jumping to something else. It's affecting my whole life....... I have no judgement and no sense of direction. I don't even understand half the words I'm saying! And I'm doing horribly at work because I can't focus.
God, it's too hard to type. X_X I'm going now. Talk to you soon... hopefully the world will make sense again then...... |
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| ...Love again... |
[Sep. 25th, 2007|01:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
It's amazing how much one person can change your life...
I was in love. For 4 years I was in love with a man.
During the past few years I've thought more about suicide than i ever have in my life. The last two years, on more than one occassion, I almost went through with it... but someone saved me. Once it was Rae-chan... another was Tina... several times in my life it was my sisters Fifi and Ollie... and once it was a stranger. I also got depressed easily.
I gave up on the idea that love existed and began to think that maybe it only existed in my mind... that I never really loved Andrew. That love wasn't real. Jimmy got depressed listening to me... he wanted me to believe in love again... he wanted me to find that hope and heart. But I couldn't. The world seemed so bleak. I realized that my best friends would never find the love they seeked... and that I would never move on. That I was better off dead. That my life was boring. That no one could ever feel that way about me again. That true love didn't exist.
But then you came into my life.
And since then... I haven't had a single day where I seriously contemplated suicide. I've cried... I've had my ups and my downs... but overall, you've made me so happy. And it's finally happening. I'm finally beginning to understand hope again. And I owe it all to you. All of it.
------------
Thanks anyway... I wrote that part the other day and now I'm sad again. XD; I'm such a rollercoaster sometimes it's scary.
Is it because of my difficult childhood that I feel this way? I feel like no one likes me. People love me, but no one likes me. At least, no one who knows me likes me. People like certain things about me... but not me as a whole. And I can't figure out how to fix it. When people get to know other people they realize they like them... but it's always the opposite for me. My own mother even said it... so many, many times while I grew up. "I don't like you. I love you because I'm your mother, but I don't like you." She instilled this idea into my head that it's possible to love someone and still not like them.... that you can HATE someone that you love. Just like I know that she hates me. She likes certain things, and she loves me... but she still hates me. And I'm not saying this to get a pity party... it's the truth. She's told me herself on more than one occassion and it wasn't always when she was caught up in emotion.
So, I guess being hated my whole life makes me kind of feel like no one could like me... Heh. I'm finally believing that someone could love me again... but I don't think that anyone could like me. I bet you in less than a year, he will get tired of me. He prolly won't say anything though... because he won't want to hurt my feelings... and I'll end up married to him or something... And while I'll be all happy and thinking everything's great.... BAM!! Our fight will hit and he'll tell me he can't stand me.
Maybe I'll kill myself when that day comes.
I don't know if I could handle the person who made me believe in love again ever telling me they hated me. :/ I would seriously die.... Or I will make myself die. Haha......
Even Tina... even Courtney... they'd both like someone better than me if someone other than me were to get close to them. And I can prove it on both accounts. People like me 'cause I'm patient and I'll put up with any bullshit they throw at me as long as it doesn't involve my family. But... my heart can only handle so much hatred.
But you know what else?
I hate this world more than anyone could ever hate me... More than everyone who hates me combined.
Because this world is the stupidest thing ever. 90% of people are completely retarded... and the other 10% spend all their time thinking about how much they hate the other 90% and no time trying to make this world a better place.
That's part of the reason I want to leave. I don't want to be stuck here... in this place where people are so fucking retarded that they don't realize that we're all the same. That they don't realize that if we all just let down our fucking barriers and loved each other, then the world would be so much better.
I want to go to a better place... to where Ghandi and Martin Luther King, Jr. and people like them are....... To a place where everyone realizes that love is the most important thing in the whole world... and that people can never get enough of it. And that instead of spreading hate, we should be spreading and sharing that love with everyone.... |
|
|
| Something has changed within me.......... |
[Sep. 25th, 2007|01:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
...
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap...
It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you can't pull me down
I'm through accepting limits
Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost
I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who ground me
Take a message back from me!
Tell them how I am defying gravity
I'm flying high, defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown |
|
|
| Confusion strikes... endless pity... |
[Jul. 23rd, 2007|01:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | upset | ] |
Somehow the world feels upside down...
Somehow everything reminds me of you...
Somehow I feel like it's all wrong...
Why do you haunt me?
Why does your absence make me long for you even more?
Why can't I get over you?
Why can I never move on?
Somehow I don't think I can ever recover...
Somehow it depresses me...
Somehow I feel like no matter what I do...
I am forever trapped in your shadow.
No matter what I find, no matter who, you will be there, haunting me, and haunting them. I will see you in everything... even in him... And even though I swore to never date anyone like you again... even though I swore I would only date men who were older than me... somehow I found him... and now I'm scared...
So scared of repeating my mistakes... Only somehow this time my heart isn't as involved, and somehow this time it feels like I'll hurt him even more than I hurt you...
If I leave him, he will die...
but am I lying by staying with him?
I wish I could meet someone who would be so aggressive with me that he would make me forget all about you. Someone so forward that I would be able to feel swept away... Unless feeling like I found a pretty rock.
That's how it is.
A pretty rock. I'm cleaning it now... and it looks so shiny.... but eventually I will tire of it's beauty and I will throw it back into the pile... back into the mess I found it in... and somehow I feel like it won't fit in... that it'll be different when I put it back into the pile of messy rocks... and somehow it'll be in pain...
But if someone could find ME instead.... what a difference that would make. But no one wants to find me... and no one ever will. No one will ever take this lonely heart and put the pieces all back together again. No one. Who would want to? I wouldn't. It's too much work. And men are lazy these days. No creativity unless you demand it... and no sense of sweeping people off their feet. Their self-esteem is so low that they will never win a girl's heart over and therefore will continue to be hurt by them. It's a vicious cycle.... of men being too afraid to show how much they care, and too low-self-esteem to have the courage to try and make a difference... and the girls who need a MAN in their lives......... and they will continue to hurt the delicate flowers, and setting a ripple effect as the flowers wither and die.
I've given up on that.
And yet... my heart still yearns for it.
I don't understand why.... If I know it's impossible, then why do I still want it? Why can't I be happy with what I have now? Why can't I just let good-enough be? I could be happy..... but I'm not happy with being happy. I want someone else to take these reigns for a change... Lead ME somewhere... Into a world I don't know. A world beyond my grasp.... a world I've forgotten and have given up faith that it even exists.
I wish I could just take all of this pain away from myself. I sound so selfish when I say things like this, but it's true... I want to take it away... Because I know that no one else will. People will try... and most will succeed in the parts they can heal..... Like Tina.... she will fix all of the parts that she can. I know that she will because she always has. But this? This she can't fix.... and I know it hurts her that she can't, and that she wants to... but she just can't.
I want to feel that....
I want to feel the feelings that they show all the time in movies... that overwhelming love. That thing that makes you do crazy unsensical things. Not this cheap "liking" thing. Where I have to make all the moves and plan everything... because all of the guys I meet are too empty-headed to realize that everyone is different and that if they wanted to... they could be my everything simply by having enough faith in themselves and enough balls to gain the courage to sweep me off of my feet.
But California boys will never learn this I suppose.
Maybe I should move to New York.
I hear they're not like this over there.
God....
I wish I could know that. |
|
|
| Guys... |
[Jul. 16th, 2007|04:23 pm] |
I don't know anymore. I'm so lost and alone these days...
I just don't want to go there. I know how I am, and I know I'll hurt anyone who gets too close to me who can't handle the pain.
Those who are already my friends lucked out... because I wasn't like this before. But I've become so different... especially lately.
Hurtful things bring me bliss.
Things I wouldn't dare utter.... Like murder.... rape... suicide... cheating.......
The more distance I place between me and society, the happier I feel lately. Not just socializing. I love socializing... but the more "surfacy" I can have it, the better. I need to be constantly surrounded by people and have loved every minute of the past month and a half where I haven't had any time alone really... or alone with Tina, or anything. And it's relaxing to me. To be surrounded by people. But nothing can get too close to me. I'm still hiding behind this glass wall, and I don't know why. I want to open up, but I can't. I can't do it. So I jump to my defenses.
And my defenses are starting to hurt other people. In order to prevent myself and my feelings from being revealed, I try to control every situation I'm in. But it just makes people mad at me. I don't know why... Things work better when someone is in charge, and since a lot of people trust me, I like to take charge. But it seems every time I do that something blows up in my face.
I can't explain exactly what I'm feeling right now. Everything is a mixed up jumble of nothingness and everythingness. And I can't sort it out in my head... much less on paper. I guess that's why it's good no one reads this, huh? Haha... no one would have any idea what I was talking about.
I don't think I'll ever show the new one this account... I don't think he could possibly understand this page... I don't think he could.
I think anyone in my life right now, and everyone who will be someday... none of them could truly understand what this is about. Everyone will misinterpret everything that I write here. Which is why I keep it private. I won't ever show him.... Never.
But will I ever be able to show him even a glimpse of this side of myself? Or will I be forced to hide it forever?
I don't want to.... I really don't want to...
But what choice do I have? This side of me brings pain and suffering and deserves to be killed. If I could murder myself, I would. |
|
|
| Another one... |
[Jul. 9th, 2007|03:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
Here we go again. *sigh* It seems these types swarm to me...
Why can't I find a guy who's actually outgoing for a change? Or is there no such thing as a confident California boy?
It's horrible... I feel bad because I like them, but then in the end they're all the same. Too boring to keep my attention, and too pansy-ass to try harder. I wish for once I could just meet a guy with balls. Strike that. I wish I could meet a CUTE guy with balls. *sigh* Or at least a guy who knows where his balls are! Seriously. All of the California boys (or at least all the ones I run into) are all pot-heads, gay, or pansy-asses!! I swear to GOD! It's so annoying!!
For once in my life... I want to be swept off my feet. Why is it that I can impress so many guys with my flawless enthusiasm and confidence, but not a single guy can impress me with the same? Perhaps my standards are too high... I just wish I could meet a cocky asshole for a change... one who was actually cute enough to be so without me being like, "Ew?" lol.
I suppose they don't exist. I've given up the chase. I really honestly have. I've found that the nice boys really do exist. As do the pansies, the romantics, the fags... But the romantic, spontaneous, outgoing guys? Myth. Or at least in California they are.
I need to get out of here.
I want to go to Alaska... but I know I won't find anyone up there. XD; I just want to visit the wildlife preservations and see the tundra and the aurora borealis for myself. I also want to observe the wolves in their natural habitat...
This is seriously my life dream. I wish I could just take a whole year off and do it. Someday maybe.... someday... |
|
|
| Weightloss... |
[May. 1st, 2007|12:50 pm] |
Yeah, so starting in December I went on this diet. By February I'd lost 10 lbs. No one noticed or said anything about it. Then all of a sudden people started commenting. Not friends or family, but random people I only see once in a while. They all started commenting on how great I looked and how I'd lost weight.
Granted, my family stopped accusing me of gaining weight and being fat, but they didn't ever actively say anything.
One of my best friends the other day finally noticed and made a huge deal about it... but still my best friend who LIVES with me, and my family... nothing. Not a single comment.
Anyway, 10 lbs is a lot to loose. It's almost 1/10th of my total body weight... It's 13% or 14% of what I used to weigh.
But I'm still not at my target weight. I'm back to where I was in high school, but I need to keep losing. I'm gonna make it down even further. I know I can do it 'cause I've gone this far. Maybe then someone'll say something. Haha. It feels good... it really does.
Lauren - now at 126lbs, and counting. |
|
|
| On the Verge of Popularity... |
[Mar. 16th, 2007|10:40 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | lost | ] |
I discovered some things about me... as I always do when PMSing. Heh... We're an odd species aren't we? Always discovering new things. But... are they really new ideas or have they all been thought of before, and we're just repeating the same things that have happened and been done and been thought for years and years since before anyone can remember or is recorded?
...
I realized that I am still the lonely little girl I always was. Still begging to be loved, and never being able to get enough. The popularity is just around the corner, yet it feels so horribly far away. Just outside my window... Like it always has been. My life. Just outside my window people laugh and live. And I? I sit inside and pray for the day that I may join in the festitivities. I've been a part of it before. A long time ago... For a while... I was popular. For a while, I knew how to have fun... for a while people loved me... for a while I was the life of every party... for a while I knew that smile...
But not anymore.
My life is dull... I don't do anything anymore, and everyone feels so horribly far away....
It's not like in high school. In high school everyone was so close... and so bored that everyone had time for everyone, and... somehow the days seemed longer. Somehow we were able to just hang out and have fun.
Maybe it's because of my roommate. I don't like to blame her for it, but in a way, I suppose she's part of the reason. I love her so much that I can't bear the idea of having fun without her... I don't know if that makes any sense or not...
But I've avoided things sometimes... And I don't exactly understand why. And now as I lay in my bed, looking out the window, and watching other people live the life I always wanted and the life that I even HAD for a little while... I can't help but feel jealousy and longing. I wish there was some way to turn back time to high school... and freeze it there.
Everyone else couldn't wait to get out of high school... the last day seemed like a beacon of light... I was never that way. With every passing day I dreaded that final hour. I looked at it as formidable... I was in pain everyday as my friends happily counted down the hours until high school would be over. I counted them... but with a heavy heart. I never wanted that day to come... and if I could have stopped it, I would have. I never wanted any of this... and I feel so weird for thinking this way, but those were truly the best days of my life, and I don't think they can ever be replaced or met with anything that could possibly happen to me in the future.
Which I suppose leads to my depression.
I know I will never be as happy as I was then. And it makes me want to kill myself.
End it now... before it just gets worse, and those days get further and further away.
I don't believe in love.
It makes my muses weap (especially Jimmy), to hear me say it, but it's the truth. I don't believe in it. Or maybe just not for myself...
No one's ever wanted to invest that much time in me, and I don't foresee that changing anytime soon. I always end up chasing people... Everyone in my life is in my life because I chased them down and cried and begged them to never leave me. If I hadn't... I would be truly all alone in the world. I don't know why... I don't know what's wrong with me... Everyone loves me, but everyone hates me too. And it's confusing to me. I've never understood why people had a certain dislike toward me. I've tried so hard my whole life to make myself lovable... and to a point it has succeeded. People like me... they like me a lot... but no one loves me. No one would be willing to lose it all for me. No one would ever chase me if I left them.
"Run to me, I'll run to you."
Jewel sang that in her song "Run 2 Me" from her 3040 CD. I've always loved that song... I wish someone would run to me...
But no one ever does... and it depresses me. No one would ever run for the hell of running with me. No one is so happy to see me when they finally do that they "run" to me. Never.
Eh... I hate talking about myself unless it's here. It's strange... but when I'm asked about myself I completely close off. I don't know why that is. But I can't be myself. I can't open up to anyone.
It reminds me of Yuki... and I thought of it even more today. Yuki... loved by everyone, but not really loved by anyone. He spent his life "on the verge of popularity". He had lots of people who loved him, but no one who really felt that pull... you know? And it stems from his insecurities from his abusive and lonely childhood. He does everything in his power to make people like him... and that's why they do. They don't like him because he's just so darn lovable they can't resist him... or that they know him and love him for who he is inside... they love him because he tries so hard.
And that's something I've ALWAYS related to in him... I think it may be the MAIN comparison I can really make between the two of us. He said it at one point... I think he was talking to Tohru... but he said that people liked him because of what he showed them, and not because of who he was. And I understand that. It's not that it's bad to show people the better side of you and hide your bad traits for those who you really feel comfortable with but... it's hard when no one is that close. Or... when someone does get that close, you try to confide, and then they don't like you. You try to show them those traits, and then you realize that the only reason they liked you at all was because they thought you were a perfect person... the sweetest, nicest person they'd ever met. But it's not really true. We're exactly like everyone else in some ways... except that underneath it all, we're so terrified of being selfish that we always think of others before ourselves, and if we ever dwell on a thought of our own, we shun ourselves for being such horrible people and try to repent by doing something greater for someone else.
How much more can we sacrifice?
How much more can I sacrifice?
All I have left is my body, heart, and soul. And since I do not believe in love, the only way for me to give those away would be to die.
And thusly, suicide seems more and more appealing. And while a lot of people think that suicide is just a call for attention, or a selfish desire... it's really not in my case. I really, truly, honestly, and whole-heartedly believe that the majority would be better off without me here. And that it's more selfish of me to continue living. I don't want the attention at all either. If I could just disappear as though I never existed, perhaps I would do that instead.
The biggest thing that keeps me from leaving this world is my fear that the people I care about would blame themselves and not be able to realize the grandness of it all. The people closest to me would feel responsible... like they didn't do enough to save me...
And that's why I can't do it. Perhaps it's more selfish of me to live than to kill myself, but... it's more selfish of me to force them to live with guilt, than it is for me to live.
... and thusly I continue living. Meek and afraid... fearing all and nothing... living for everyone and no one... never knowing what comes next or how to deal with the feelings inside...
And... never willing to talk about them.
I guess I should appologize for that... I suppose it's my biggest short-coming. I can't talk about myself.
It's funny actually... I complain that people don't know me... because they only know what I show them, and don't really know me... yet I'm always too afraid to talk about myself. Because when I do... I feel so horribly selfish. That's why I can't say things like, "I did this wrong." Because... it's all about me then. I don't know if that makes any sense or not...
But a lot of people assume because of the way I am, and the way I act, and the way I talk... that I'm only thinking of myself... or that I refuse to accept things about myself.
So... when they say hurtful things about me... it goes straight through to my heart and peirces me like an arrow. And I try desperately to recover, but they won't let me because they don't think I understand.
Heh... people can be so selfish...
"Humans are... so arrogant..."
But I do feel it... I feel it all. And I know my flaws. And I try to fix them... but I can't ever talk about them. I can't talk about myself... I can't talk about the things that hurt me... or the problems I have.... I just can't...
This is the only place I can talk about them.
And even here... I feel like I'm talking to myself... and that's why I can do it.
I have high self-esteem... I think I'm a good person... I wish when people pointed out my flaws, though... that they would actually point at flaws I have instead of making flaws up. That hurts more than if they'd gotten them right. It hurts more when someone hates you for something that's not even true... than it does if they hate you for something that IS true. Maybe not everyone feels this way... ... but I do.
I feel like I should wrap this whole journal entry up somehow, but I'm all out of cliched, corny lines. So I'll just end it with a goodbye.
And no... I'm not killing myself. Not physically anyway... |
|
|
| Money's tight... but my heart grows even tighter... |
[Mar. 13th, 2007|12:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
I'm soooooo pissed off today!!
My stomache hurts... a lot.
I think there's a stomach flu going around because last night my roommie said hers was hurting her too.
And my co-worker is sick.
So there's a stomach problem going around.
I feel horrible no matter what I eat.
The end.
...
So on a partially lighter note...
My second-best friend is getting married on November 3rd in Las Vegas...
LAS VEGAS!!! I'm sooooo pissed! I was excited about being in her wedding. Ugh. I was supposed to be her maid of honor.
Well, guess what else? THE ROOM IS TOO SMALL FOR TWO PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES!
So you know what? Her other friend is going to be the maid of honor. And I'm not going to be in it.... at all....
I'll be there in the crowd... with her parents.... who hate me....
This is going to be the most painful wedding evar.
And then she's all, "Yeah, she'll need help with the bachelorett party, so you can help her."
FUCK! Why should I BOTHER?! I'm not even IN the wedding!!!!
And ontop of all of this... She says I can invite my mom and dad and Tina, but not my sisters.
wtf?
She says she wants it to be adults-only.
Fuck.
I don't know what to do.
I'm trapped and pissed off.
I can't remember the last time I was this pissed off on my own account. Ugh......
I'm the one who fucking took her to the fucking airport when her fucking slacker asshole crappy-excuse for parents told her they fucking had a fucking play to go to that night!! HELLO! You're daughter is fucking moving out of the house for the first time and is moving ACROSS THE COUNTRY! FROM CALI TO NEW YORK!!! For SIX months!!! TAKE HER TO THE MOTHER-FUCKING AIRPORT!!!!!!
Errrrr!!!!!!
Seriously. So pissed.
I was angry back then... but not for me... for her.
And now what? I don't even get to be in your fucking wedding?!
I had a friend from elementary school do the same thing. I was supposed to be in her wedding, but she randomly had a spontaneous wedding and invited NO ONE! She even kept it a secret for 5 months because supposedly in the summer they were going to have a big wedding to make up for it.
Heh... yeah right. It's been 4 years since they got married now. Ugh... I'm still angry...
I guess that fuels my anger toward this...
Weddings SUCK ASS!!!
Why can't anyone have a normal wedding?!
Why does my older sister have to have a wedding and not invite me?
And my best friend from 2nd grade?
And now... my second-best friend in the whole world is getting married in fucking VEGAS, and won't even put me in IT!!!!
I want to cry.
I want to break things.
All of my stress is back from January.
Money is tight.
But my heart is even tighter.
And I feel like I'm going to explode or disappear forever in any instant.
My cold-sores are back... at least two of them. Not so bad as last time, but they're back. And my face had finally cleared up.... not anymore.
I keep shaking and randomly screaming.
I can't handle all of this. It makes me want to die.
-----
This weekend I almost killed myself. Heh... and I didn't even know about this. How come every time I go home I feel complete but I want to kill myself?
My mom... she never denies it when I say she doesn't love me. Instead she berrates me. It's not fair. I swear to God if I ever have kids, I won't have as much pride as she does. You shouldn't be that prideful with your kids. For Christ's sake they're your FUCKING CHILDREN!
Ugh.
People are so stupid that I want to destroy them all sometimes.
We'd all be happier if the world ended. Then no one could bitch and complain. Because everyone would be dead.
We wouldn't know happiness, but we wouldn't know pain. And we wouldn't know any better.
I understand evil more as I grow up.
Heh... I'm not gonna go build a bomb or anything but damn does it sound like a good idea right now.
How do I quell this feeling?
I don't want to cry about it anymore.
...
How come every time I feel incomplete my mind wanders to Andrew?
All I want when I'm this upset is to break something... but for some reason, when I imagine his arms around me, I suddenly feel so much calmer... and I want to cry instead.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why can't I accept happiness?
And why do I dwell so long on the things that bring me pain?
Why does anyone?
I sit here and talk about this, but I know that 90% of the world is way worse than me... at dwelling on things. They let things sit and simmer for so long and it eats them alive.
I don't do that... I just feel the intensity all at once.
And it makes me wonder why I'm even alive . . .
I feel like every single person in the world secretly resents and hates me.
And it's weird... because I don't resent anyone... I get mad at them, but I still love them to death. And... I wouldn't hold it against them for too long... unless they hurt someone important to me...
Maybe that's the problem... I'm not important to myself.
Heh... sounds weird, but maybe it is.
It sucks...
No matter how much I write here... no one who reads this will understand. People will think they understand, but no one does.
Even my roommate. She'll missinterpret most of this... As would all of my best friends. Perhaps the only people who would understand this are the people I hardly talk to. Odd...
--------
Have you ever had a secret you had to keep but felt like you shouldn't?
I have a friend who does activities with me online. And she rejoined an activity under a different name. If the moderator of the activity knew the truth, she wouldn't be allowed in. But my friend told me in confidence 'cause she had to tell someone. And I feel awkward about it. I don't know what to do.... Should I tell the friend who mods the activity? Or should I not betray the trust of my other friend? Or am I betraying them both by even having these thoughts?
Ugh... I'm such a horrible person sometimes... but not for the reasons that people think. Lots of people think I'm a horrible person for other reasons, but they're not true. Heh... I don't know if I prefer the dishonest hatred or the real hatred. Like my mom... she hates me, and beats herself up over it. I kind of feel bad for her. I don't think I could ever hate my child, but... I guess if I did, I would feel miserable. Anyway, it's sad because she hates me for things that aren't even true. She thinks all these things about me that are totally not true. And because she believes those things about me, she's disappointed. But they're not even true. So she hates the person she thinks I am, and doesn't know me at all. And that really, really hurts... more than anything I think.
I finally told my dad but... I don't think he understood completely. But... sadly I think he understands me better than most people.
Omigawsh this is sooooo long.
Heh-heh... What would I do without this journal? I would never be able to say anything that I say here without it.... Never.
I hate talking about myself.
But... I guess since only a few people read this at all... and most probably only skim it... I kind of feel safe knowing I can just talk about myself. I can finally be selfish and talk incesantly about myself, and be dark and depressed and whatever I feel like being... without worrying that I'm bringing other people down... or that I'm focusing too much on myself.
I don't even WANT to say any of this... but it helps me to write it here. So I don't mind if it's never read.
I'm writing it for my own sake. Not for anyone else.
I feel horrible everytime I write an entry... for talking the way I do in them, but... it's not half as bad the horrible feeling I have before I write...
So I guess it all evens out.
I have to go back to work now... but I'm sure I'll be back... sometime. |
|
|
| Confusion Breaks Out and I am Left Alone |
[Feb. 27th, 2007|01:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lost | ] |
I suppose the subject line for this post explains it all...
I'm so confused... nothing makes sense anymore.
I took him out for Valentine's Day... but...
And now, nothing.
I just don't know anymore.
I can't please everyone. It's impossible. And... unless the person is willing to help me show those they love that I'm worthwhile to them, those people will never listen. They'll never give me another chance.
I hate that... second chances. It's pointless, isn't it? Everything happens for a reason, and even if things don't make sense, perhaps the first time they happen they happen because nothing else would have caused the same effect.
Perhaps it all just keeps circling. Perhaps none of us will ever truly find happiness. But that's why we must seek it out in what we already have, and stop living waiting for it to find us. You know?
I wonder if I'm afraid to get into a relationship with a girl because I might like it better than being with a boy. I know I like boys, I love them. I'm attracted to them, and I've only ever fallen in love with boys, but... maybe it's because I'm afraid. If I can be happy either way, shouldn't I just focus on the side of me that's happy and content with boys?
And... can I ever be happy with a boy?
I don't think I could be happy with a girl. I dunno... I don't even know if I think that way anymore. If I even like them or am just admiring their beauty. I wish I could be as pretty.... I wish I could just be a boy though too.
Sometimes anyway. I mean, I don't always wish I was a boy, but sometimes.
I'm not making sense at all, am I? All well... my journal. I'll make as much sense I dare please!
Kiley...
Oh it's so depressing, and yet... so exhilerating. I wish... heh... but I don't even know if he could be happy with me. Could anyone? Could anyone really be happy with me long term? I'm fun in the beginning, but for some reason I lose people when it comes down to the long haul. The few people I have in my life I've clung to desperately. Many of them would probably admit to you that at one point they were going to leave me and never be my friend again, but... I forced them to stay. Even Tina. Several times she tried to end our friendship... I know it was forever ago, but I still feel the pain and desperation even to this day.
And then there's my sister. She really DID leave me.
And for some reason... no one wants me to contact her...
I knew if I asked my dad for her number or address he would just say, "No, don't even bother, she's not worth it and you'll only get hurt."
Fuck I hate that. If someone wants to take a chance on someone then fucking let them!! You can't protect people from never being hurt. Everyone hurts and everyone GETS hurt. If someone wants to try to reach out to someone, you shouldn't fucking stop them because you're afraid they'll get hurt again. I know you care about them... I know you love them and only want what's best for them, but... what if you're holding them back from what's best for them just because you're afraid that they might get hurt?
I mean... if I want to give contacting her a try, I should have every right to! I CHOOSE this path! I'm choosing to risk it. I'm CHOOSING to take a chance at getting hurt to reach out to someone. I WANT to. I'm in so much pain right now over it... could it really get worse? I need closure. That's all. If first comes to worst, I'll be hurt. But in the end, it'll give me the closure I seek. I'll be able to see that it really WAS her... and not me. Something I need to know... but no one will let me know it. I wish he would give me her address. Ugh... I hate this powerlessness that he's thrusted upon me. I've even tried finding her online. I've looked everywhere and even joined people searches and paid money online to try and find her. I'm trying so hard... and he has the answer. Maybe I should go snooping through his stuff later... see if I can find it. I need it... why can't he understand that?
So in the end, my life continues on it's dull piter-pater. Money is tight, but my heart is even tighter.
I wonder if this winding in my chest will ever stop...
Togetherness.... that's all we have.... and yet we humans throw that away so easily. People disgust me. They really do.
...
Kiley... My Kiley... my precious........ where are you? My heart longs only for you... and yet... you do not exist... How unfair of it. Why would Miwa Ueda introduce me to such a beautiful thing... if I could never have it? |
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unbreakable_08's journal